Monday 5th September 2016
I’ve had Depression and Anxiety for around 7 years and until recently it used to hit me hard almost every day. I first realised I had a problem when I become pregnant with Isabelle, I thought it was normal and just pregnancy hormones kicking my arse but apparently not! Some days I questioned myself, Am I ready to be a parent? What if I’m no good? Other days the depression really got to me badly and I considered adoption because I would convince myself I wouldn’t be able to give my baby everything she needs and deserves, I was convinced I would be the worst possible parent going. Suicide was often on my mind. It wasn’t until I was around 8 months pregnant that I felt I needed to do something to try to get back to my usual self again.
At the time I was married to a soldier, Peter, who is Isabelles biological father (unfortunately!) he wasn’t the most nicest or understanding of people (I’ll talk about him in more details in an other post at a later date), he was a complete and utter arsehole!! With him being the way he was towards me it didn’t help matters and made things so much more worse. Being an Army wife meant that I was away from my family and friends, some postings were out in the sticks which is often an issue for those who may not drive or have a car just yet. On our first posting, we were lucky because two towns were within a 15-20 minutes walking distance and my home town was a train ride away. I made a few friends but was very reluctant to mix socially too often because of how I felt.
I think it was at an appointment with my midwife that I finally told her how I was feeling and she suggested I might have Pre-Natal Depression, an appointment with my doctor did in fact confirm that I did have Pre-Natal Depression, I was given anti depressants to take and a counselling session.
Once Isabelle was born things got worse and my depression had now turned into Post-Natal Depression. I carried on taking my antidepressants and weekly counselling sessions were arranged. Those sessions really did help and it helped talking to someone out of my bubble. The medication also helped but over time I felt like a zombie with no feelings or emotions but they got me through my day for a long time, years in fact.
During those 7 years I would have good days, bad days and awful days. The bad days, I wouldn’t want to go out, couldn’t get dressed, wouldn’t eat and generally didn’t care about myself. I just about functioned purely for Isabelle and sometimes I would still go out looking ‘normal’ but inside I was crying and felt worthless and just wanted to go home and be left alone. My awful days were something else, these were the times I would feel suicidal and quite often would try to take my own life. Call me selfish/stupid/whatever but until you’ve been there you wont ever understand what goes through someones mind when they feel like that. I used to get sick of people telling me to cheer up or people have things so much worse than you or think about your family – yet they were usually the ones who made me feel so much more worse than I already felt. Not helpful!
It wasn’t until June 2016 that I decided to stop taking my antidepressants for good because I personally felt I no long needed them and they weren’t doing what they should be doing. Since coming off them, I have emotions, feelings, I don’t feel like a zombie just going through the motions of daily life.
Check back to this section soon as I intend on updating it and going into more detail about things already mentioned.