Monday 31st July 2017

So, its been awhile since i posted anything to my blog, don’t worry! you haven’t missed much!! I thought now would be a good time to restart it again in hope that it will help me personally. Even if no one ever reads this, it will be good to just get things off of my mind and get rid of the negativity that goes on in my head.

The following extract was written by me (obviously) just recently but i had posted it on an other page im on.

*Note – Swearing and possible triggers *

Anyway, Just recently my Mentle Health has started to fuck me about big time. Most days I’m waking up and just feeling like I’m existing rather than living, I then find myself thinking about how if i jumped from the upstairs bedroom I would still fuck that up (we live on a 1st floor maisonette) or how if i tried to hang myself I’d only bring the roof down or wreck part of the building and still be alive. I just feel so useless and worthless most of the time. I feel like I’m an awful parent to Isabelle and this could be because I might see that so and so has taken their kids on an expensive day out or a fancy holiday – yet all I’ve done is take belle for drives and go to the park/bike rides etc..
I hate how my brain works and puts these negative things in my mind. Even fun things that I should be happy and excited about I have no emotion or feeling about. We’re Isabelle and her best friend to Butlins in October, a possible weekend away of just me and che and then going to Scotland to see my sister with most of my family in March – but I’m just not excited or bothered about it. I know it sounds really shit and childish but I have no control as to why I have such fucked up thoughts.
I feel like my friends are only friends with me because they have no one else, nothing better to do or are after something. The let downs and the not seeing them as often as before makes those thoughts even more believable and I’ve often thought about just cutting ties and not bothering because in my mind it feels like no one can be bothered with me anymore.
I feel like i have nothing to offer anyone and that my opinions and input doesn’t matter anymore.

I have no reason to feel the way I way do. I have somewhere to live, a car to take us places, food in the cupboards, clothes on my back, a clever, kind, beautiful and funny daughter, a boyfriend who actually loves me and puts up with this shit and a family who care.
I don’t expect any comments or want sympathy, im posting because I need an outlet and try to let go of this shit awful negativity.

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