Tuesday 1st August 2017

A few weeks ago i realised i needed some help to get back on track and try to get my old self back, so i made an appointment at the doctors. She advised to cut down on my current anti depressant medication and to come back in a few weeks time when i get down to taking 1 a day rather than my usual 3 a day. Inbetween that time, i had a call from a mentle health service who assesed me and gave me a list of councillors i can contact to arrange some sessions (days after, my phone decided to fuck up and i know longer have those contacts, im sure i can get them from somewhere tho!)

Today, i went to my doctor and she asked how id been feeling since the last time we spoke. I was honest and told her everything how ive been feeling really recently. She has told me to now take my current meds every other day for the next 4 days and then to not take any until next tuesday as she has given me new medication to try. Even tho my new ones will take a good couple of weeks to kick in and i will get worse before i get better, Im hoping so much that these new ones work and give me my life back because i hate every fucked up thought i have and it rips my heart apart. I hate always thinking im not good enough for anyone, i hate feeling like im the worst parent in the world even though i do EVERYTHING i possibly can to make sure Isabelle has the most happy, loving and fun childhood: so i know that, that part isnt true but my brain just loves to tell me differently.

Isabelle spent most of today with my mum and dad as it was their 25th Anniversary today 😀 😀 😀 She went to dinner with them and my brother and his girlfriend. So while i had a child free day, Che and i went out and about. We didnt do anything exciting or fancy but it was nice to have that time together and it really helped to clear my head today, which is weird because we didnt do anything out of the ordinary..? We went and got a free ice cream tub from Thorntons (Thanks 02 priority!) and sat in my car eating it and talking. I know that doesnt sound exciting but it was just nice. We spoke about all the things we have going on next year and realised that we have quite alot going on. We have a trip in March to Scotland to see my sister, brother in law and my four beautiful neices, its going to be a big family trip as it is me, Che, Isabelle, my mum and dad, one of my brothers (Chris) and his girlfriend (Jo). We have decided to stay on a holiday park about 30 minutes from my sisters house but she has also booked to stay on the holiday park too!!
Then in June next year we have what we call the Squad Holiday to Tenerife with Ian (my gay best friend), AJ (my best friend) and Che obviously. September or October we are hoping to go to Greece and Ibiza. Che came up with a clever idea because there are two sides to us, the party side and the relaxing side. He said about having a few days in Ibiza and then fly from there to Greece and then back home. Brilliant idea but will take alot of organizing and of course if my mum and dad would have our darling daughter for the week (Love you mum and dad 😉 )

After realising we have so many fun and exciting things going on next year, with more thrown in aswell at some point i expect. I felt a little more positive and started to get a little excited about everything!
I dont know if it was the child free day, the getting out and about with Che, the ice cream (was nice though!), seeing the doctor or talking about our plans for next year or it could be a mix of it all i dont know but i feel like a slight weight has been lifted and my mentle state has lifted alittle.

During writing this extract, i was also on facebook where i shared yesterdays extract and a friend sent me a message saying its exactly how they feel and it could’ve been them writing it. It was nice to know that someone else ‘gets it’ but sad at the same time because i wish these issues didnt exist or at least a cure of some sort for them would be great! If my blog just helps one person to know they aren’t alone during their shitty hard time then ill be happy that my honesty has helped someone.


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