*Contains possible triggers*
Today was no better than last night. I had barely slept, I felt terrible and had an awful headache all day. Stress just loves me.
Che, Isabelle and I went over to my mum and dad’s house to pick up some of the kids and then we all met up over palm bay on the big green. The kids had a play with the football and bat and ball, good to see them enjoying themselves, yet I still felt dead and numb inside. We headed down to the beach for awhile, the kids built sand castles and forts and collected different stones and shells. I was more quiet than usual and couldn’t help but look out to sea whilst negative thoughts invade my mind ‘They’re all better off without me’ ‘I’m a shit parent/daughter/girlfriend/friend/aunty’ ‘Would anyone even notice if i wasn’t here anymore?!’ I know that some people might think ‘Oh get a grip’ or ‘Think about your daughter!’ I couldnt help thinking that this wasnt the life I imagined I would have, I thought I’d have the life that people my age have, I thought I’d still be healthy until I was alot older but instead I got ‘blessed’ with Mental health issues, Thyroid problems and my ‘favourite’ Fibromyalgia – The one condition that I feel has really robbed me of everything, my dreams, my hopes, normal life, my health – the fucking lot!! I’m well aware my thoughts are selfish and hurtful but honestly, getting a grip and thinking of Isabelle, its easier said than done when I’m in that frame of mind. I would love to wake up one day and never have a negative thought ever again and never have a fibro flare, but I know it’s not possible as i will have these issues for the rest of my life.
We walked back to our cars and my mum and I had a brief chat away from everyone, i told her how bad i felt, how I’ve wanted to hang myself for so long and that I’ve already looked up ways on how to do it. I was expecting a massive bollocking from my mum, but instead she really cuddled me. Time was getting on and we all headed back to my mum and dad’s for dinner. My mood was getting worse and worse, Che and I were talking about things by messenger as the kids were around and it’s not conversations for little ears to be hearing. He told me how hurt he felt and upset at the thought of losing me, I did feel really bad to hurt him but that wasnt my intention at all. I was sat in my mums arm chair and i coulsnt help but cry, it had been building up for awhile, yet the tears decided to come at the wrong time – in front of EVERYONE. Che took me into the garden where he spoke to me and gave me cuddles to make me feel better. He got my mum to come outside and talk to me too, when he told her what was wrong it made me cry even more and I pretty much broke down to her – That’s something I’ve not done infront of my mum for around 3 years!!! She just cuddled and held me whilst I cry and tell her everything and how I really felt. One thing in particular i told her was how I was so hurt that we do everything we possibly can to help others, even if it means putting ourselves in the shit, how its always us making arrangements and bothering with people or doing nice things for others but if we need something it’s constant bullshit excuses and a big ‘fuck you’ to us. There’s nothing better than having your mum cuddle you and actually listen to what you’re saying. Months and months of worry, stress and hurt had all finally come out. My mum then said something to me and Che which made me cry even more but it really was the most kindest thing someone’s ever done for us in a very long time and it took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I don’t need to say what it was because it’s personal between my mum, dad, Che and I but i seriously cant thank them enough for it.