Friday 13th October 2017

It’s been over a month since I last posted, tonight I’ve finally felt like doing it again to get things off my chest.

Well fuck you Mentle health!!! Had a few great weeks with my Mentle Health until yesterday and today. The fucked up thoughts of ending it all are back and I’m seriously fucked of with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I think it was triggered by a comment that was made to me a few days ago ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’ i know it wasnt meant nasty and it was probably said in jest as the person who said it isnt nasty or malicious at all, yet its done me over and i keep thinking about it. I was saying how I feel like I don’t have a purpose in life other than be Isabelles mummy. I have nothing for myself and it doesn’t matter how much I try to do things for me or attempt to arrange something nice to look forward to, it always goes wrong somehow.

It’s funny how such a simple meaningless comment can affect someone so much.

My fibromyalgia has done me in all week and you know why? Because I did two simple haircuts on Monday and I’ve suffered ever since!!! I want to be normal, I want to be like everyone else my age for fuck sake!!! I’m so fed up of the constant aches and pains, the overwhelming tiredness all day every day this week, having barely any energy, the shitty moods, feeling tearful, having to face the day and people, pretending im ok when im not, my temperature keeps going up and down – one minute I’m sweating my bollocks off and the next I’m freezing my tits off!!!
This year as been a massive pile of shit. Last year I went away twice (kid free), went away with Isabelle twice! Went to see a band, saw my friends often-ish and went to our yearly weekend away in October with our friends for the usual 90s weekend. This year I’ve done nothing. Ive barely seen my friends, haven’t been anywhere or done anything. Today is the first day of the 90s weekend but we aren’t there either. I’m done with asking anyone along to things or events or whatever because they’re full of piss poor excuses but then go off with others and do almost the same things I suggested but not so much as an invite for us?! Yet these people are meant to care, well I call fucking bullshit!! I’m done! Me and Che have been left with nothing because we put all our efforts into other people, helping them, arrange things etc…only for them to not bother with us and then lie. Im done! I’m passed caring and I’m doing fuck all for any of those people anymore. I’d do ANYTHING for anyone but when I have the piss taken out of me and made to feel I’m not good enough, then those people can go fuck themselves with a cactus. I feel like everything good and ive always looked forward to in my life has been taken away, they were the things that kept me normal, it feels like I won’t get those fun time times back again. I felt like a normal 30 something doing all those things and not someone who feels like a 90 year old waiting to die. It might not be important to anyone else or mean as much but holidays, seeing bands and the 90s weekend are just a few things that keep me going and to feel like a healthy normal person again, even if it is just for a weekend or a night. Time for new friends who get it and understand and not just pretend.

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