Today has been reasonably Ok – mood wise. Che had his wisdom teeth out, Isabelle went to a birthday party and is staying with my mum and dad tonight, so Che can rest and recover properly as its really took it out of him today and he’s been in alot of pain tonight. I was a taxi service and went and got abit of shopping while Che was getting his teeth out. It’s not often I drive by myself but today I did and I quite enjoyed it to be honest, it was nice listening to my choice of music and being able to sing properly again and drive where ever I wanted and just have that little bit of breathing space to my myself.
My mum and dad took Isabelle to a family party Friday night with her cousins from Scotland and she didn’t come home until almost 10pm!! LOL. Today shes been to an other party for her school friends birthday but that was in the afternoon and finished around 2.30pm. Tonight Che got invited to go out on Saturday with my cousin for his birthday, I’ve told him he should go as it will be good for him. He also says that his friend Chris wants him to him out the following Friday again, of course I don’t mind him going out at all, it does him good! However, it was a huge reminder of how sad and pathetic my own social life actually is. I have no one local to me like Che does now. No one ever invites me out anymore and I can understand why I suppose. It’s either because of my Mentle Health issues or having Fibromyalgia or it’s because I’m too old, too boring, too mumsy or I don’t have the right look or clothes and because I’m too fat and ugly for people to be seen out with me. I’ve always thought I was too fat and ugly to have friends who actually want to do stuff and spend time with me. I feel so sad when I see others with a few close friends local to them who go out and have a good time, stay at each other’s houses (even with kids), have nights out, friend holidays, holidays with each other’s family’s and seeing the effort they each make for each other when it comes to special occasions etc.. I wish I had all that but again, I don’t feel good enough to have all that or to have friends local to me. Most of the time I feel like a massive inconvenience to anyone I come in contact with, like they only talk to me because no one else is about who they usually talk to or through pity or they’re just bored or nosey. I find it seriously hard to trust anyone and maybe that’s why problem..? I think everyone’s out to get me and are only interested in what they can gain from me, either it be free childcare, free haircuts, money, lifts etc. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind helping people out when they need it, I even offer it but at the same time I know when someone’s taking the piss and that’s when things become awkward and difficult and friendships slowly fizzle out, to which I’m left feeling like shit for being nothing other than a decent friend to someone/people who didn’t/don’t appreciate me enough. I really wish i knew why i don’t deserve a local friendship group I’ve always wanted; Maybe I’m just meant to be a temporary friend, once they have what they wanted and can’t get anything more from me then they move on..? Maybe I’m just not good enough for anyone and I’m not worthy enough to have the type of friendship I’ve always truly wanted. I just don’t know and it makes me sad.