There is no distraction…

We finally had the post mortem results on Wednesday 13th February.

Peter had died from head and neck injuries and was instantly killed so he wouldn’t have been aware of what had happend or felt any pain. That alone is a big comfort because I think if we knew he had suffered from his injuries and was in pain it would make this even more difficult to bare.

The coroner went on to say that she has seen people like Peter many times before and given the part of the motorway he was hit on, she would go with that it was suicide. She said that part of the motorway is common for people who want to take their own lives. We will never fully know 100% for sure if it was an accident or if it was suicide but given how well I knew him, the things I know.of him now, his history, his mental health issues and his attempts of suicide in the past, it all makes alot of sense… and well I know what I believe and I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out to anyone what I think the truth to be.

With that in mind it makes it more difficult to deal with because he had so many people around him who could’ve helped if he had just spoken up and accepted help for all of his issues. There was a time where even Che had offered him help to get him back on the right road to recovery but Peter being Peter just didn’t listen and thought he knew better. It hurts me personally because I know too well about the pain of not wanting to be here anymore and wanting to end my own life as well as the feelings of being useless and the thoughts of people would be better off without me. I hate to think that’s what went through Peters mind.

Even when we had split up he knew he could talk to me about anything and at times he had sent me messages or emails and I tried my best to help him and give him the advice he needed. We might not of always got on and he might of spoke to me like absolute shit in some of his messages and emails but looking back at them I realize it was likely a cry for help and it was his frustrations being let out on me…again. There were other times when he got frustrated and angry with me when we weren’t together and that was when he would beg me to take him back and I refused. He knew I was happy with Che and well past that stage in my life but he would still quite often send me messages or emails asking me to take him back, that he was sorry for everything, he knew what he done was seriously wrong, to give him one last chance, how he’s nothing without me, how much he loves me and how he wishes he could turn the clock back but I still told him no on numerous occasions. He knew I would still be there for him as a friend even when he was being shitty towards me.

The weirdest thing is that a few weeks before his death, something said to me that I should email him just to see how he was but I ignored it and didn’t think much of it until now. Looking back, I wish I had emailed him because then maybe he might still be here. Maybe I could’ve helped him in some way and he would finally listen.

It’s fine for others to say that I shouldn’t blame myself but they didn’t know Peter as well as I knew him or his state of mind. He was in my life for 10 years whether I liked it or not!

Just lately I feel like I’m expected to be over it already and to have moved on but I’m far from it. I understand that people try to sympathise with me by comparing what I’m feeling to their own loss of a family member or friend and I do appreciate it; but they won’t ever truly understand the full extent of how I really feel because this isn’t a normal everyday situation.

I hate feeling the way I do and not knowing which emotion I’ll have to deal with everyday when I wake up. Will it be an emotion I’ve had before? Or will it be a completely new one? Sometimes when I wake up I have no memory or feeling about everything and it’s usually the best 5 to 10 minutes of my day. My brain isn’t mashed, my body doesn’t ache from the grief, I dont feel numb or feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don’t have that feeling in the pit of my stomach where I need to be sick nor do I have the constant lump in my throat and I’m not fighting the feeling to cry. I am just happy, relaxed with not a care in the world until it all hits me at once. It’s so hard to find a distraction away from it all and when I do it’s very very short lived!

If everyone could take a look at the following link and donate whatever you can afford, it will be well appreciated. Thank You!

https://www.gofundme.com/peter-mcguire-killed-in-a-road-accident

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