I’m not going to lie because otherwise these posts would be pointless and I wouldn’t be helping anyone, especially not myself.
For around 4 weeks or so I’ve been seriously depressed like I’ve never been before. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and I’ve had times where it’s really hit me hard but I’ve always managed to build myself back up again and return to normal. However, this time around it’s really done a number on me, it’s got me in it’s grip so hard I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get out of it this time. In all my years of dealing with depression I’ve NEVER experienced anything like this before.
The things that used to make me happy or take my mind off things no longer have that effect anymore. Che and I are meant to be going away in June but I’ve not even booked anything yet because my state of mind as just been meh and can’t be bothered. That break is so desperately needed to get our own heads together and take time away from everything that’s happend and to have a few days of not being mum and dad. I need time to get my own head around things and to look after me. As much as I love Isabelle and I wish I could take away her pain, it’s difficult to deal with things and fix myself when I’m also trying to fix her at the same time with no actual down time for me to focus on my own mind. I can’t even begin to tell you how desperately I’ve just needed a night or two of not having to answer difficult questions – some I don’t even know the answers to myself. Yes, I know how selfish and horrible I sound but for my own good as well as everyone else around me, I NEED to be mentally and physically well to be able to move on aswell as helping Isabelle move on and deal with her grief.
I’ve had people who should know better kick me while I’m down, people who were kind of close to me. All they did was laugh at me sharing my posts or accuse me of posting things for attention or to be made a fuss of which is definitely NOT true and a whole load of other things. They weren’t supportive to any of us, even Isabelle. Things were said via FaceTime which could’ve easily been over heard by Isabelle but luckily she was in bed at the time. Not a single ounce of love or compassion from any of them, yet we were always the ones who would help them out or pick up the pieces when their lives went to shit… well not anymore!
As I’ve said before this page and my Instagram page were made to try and help others going through something similar, to encourage others to speak out and ask for help or just so they don’t feel like they’re alone. Trying to turn a negative into a positive, something which some people find difficult to understand and probably wont ever understand in their life time. I know longer have anything to do with those people and I hope it stays that way forever because toxic and narcissistic people just aren’t my cup of tea.
The last few weeks I’ve seriously struggled and I’ve thought about nothing other than ending it all, the shit from the people mentioned previously is what has tipped me over the edge if I’m honest. As much as I’m struggling right now and think that Isabelle would be better off without me I also know that she would be worse off without me here and I just couldn’t do it to her. I just want this shitty feeling to leave me alone and never return. I’ve tried everything to build myself up again but it’s not working. There’s a 6 to 8 month long waiting list for counselling!!
I was even going to give up this page and my Instagram because of how awful I’ve felt lately but luckily Che convinced me bit to do it and I’m glad I listened to him.
I’ve briefly gone back to working on my children’s mental health project which probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone else especially when my own mental health has taken a nose dive lately. I haven’t gone as full on at the moment, it’s more networking I’ve been doing and writing some new ideas down, those types of things just to get myself back into it again. Actually, I’ve made a new contact, someone who is pretty well known on social media, who has said once the children’s mental health page is up and running then they will share it for me – that was something I was NOT expecting!! But has also given me an extra kick to get things going again.
And to think I was going to give it all up because of a few nasty people. People whose own children might one day need the information and service I’m wanting to offer.
If you think a friend or family member is acting out of character or hasn’t been in contact for awhile whether it be a day, a week, a month then why not message or call them and ask them if they’re ok? Don’t wait for them to contact you! Sometimes you might need to ask them more than once if they’re ok for them to open up but believe me it’s worth doing if it means they talk and get things off their chest.
That simple message to someone who you suspect isn’t doing ok really could save their life!