*Warning! This post might offend or hit a nerve so read with caution!*
I’m not doing good, I’m not myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was before all of this happend.
My mental health is at the lowest it’s ever been, my doctors surgery have no appointments, the referal service I once used has had their funding cut which means that service is no longer available in my area.
I’m going to be really honest now and judge me all you like, I’m past caring now. If I didn’t have Isabelle and Che then I DEFINITELY wouldn’t be here anymore. They are my ONLY reasons for living and carrying on because I have nothing else worth living for. Actually, I’m not even living I’m purely just existing at the moment.
I’m failing so hard in life right now. This grief isn’t getting any easier and I’ve recently been holding alot of it back which isn’t helping things. I’m sick of hearing and being told how I should be doing things by people who couldn’t give a shit any other time.
I’m seriously fucking DONE with being physically unwell as well as mentally. My health has been fucked since late October last year and given what’s happend recently it’s got a million times worse. Che is also suffering now, he’s been unwell for a few weeks with bugs and colds and just generally unwell. With my shitty health issues since October and then Peters death, I’m pretty sure it’s taken it’s toll on Che and I. Che is holding it all together not just for me but for Isabelle too, I do my best to be as normal as possible for her and let her talk and cry whenever she needs too. Actually, she seems to be doing really well and handling things in her own little way which I’m so proud of her for.
On the plus side of it all I’ve lost weight but that’s down to eating very little and being under so much stress.
I feel like I’m failing in life with pretty much everything. I thought I’d start to feel better by now but I’m not. I feel like I’m failing at being a girlfriend, a friend, a sister, an aunty, a daughter and worst of all I feel like I’m failing massively as a parent. Everyday I can’t help thinking how much more better of a life Isabelle deserves which is something I can’t offer her, I still live in the same property Peter lived with us in before he left! Despite me trying my absolute hardest to find somewhere new to live luck and no one just hasn’t been on my side!
As much as I try to change our lives for the better there’s always something that will get in the way or prevent us from having the basic things in life that everyone else has.
There are days where I’m even thinking to myself “If I wasn’t around anymore would anyone actually notice or miss me?” And the answer is always probably not many people would because I’m barely noticed by those I should matter to as it is so why would anyone even notice or miss me if I wasn’t around anymore?! And yes I’m well aware that Isabelle and Che would both definitely miss me and I know how selfish I’m being 🙄 (If that is anyone’s opinion then I suggest you fuck off and never talk to me again). Like I said earlier Isabelle and Che are my only reasons I’m still alive.
My drained is drained, my tired is tired, I am so run down I’ve actually forgotten what it feels like to feel normal again. I’m fairly sure Che is heading the same way because he’s never usually unwell but when he is he bounces back pretty quickly, not like how he has been for a few weeks. All though Isabelle, Che and I have a little holiday coming up in April, we need a break for just us – me and Che – and bloody soon! A few days to get our own heads sorted, to recover, to rest and forget about what’s been happening over these last 5 months and to be able to be refreshed and on the ball to answer difficult questions that Isabelle often asks us – things that no one else can or should be answering. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.