It’s been just over 4 weeks now since Peter died and I still feel the same feelings as I did the night that phone call came in. For me personally it still doesn’t feel quite real, every so often I think that it’s all one big sick joke and that every official person I’ve spoken to is in on it. Of course I know that’s not true and it is real but I’m having trouble believing it. My heart still has that heavy aching feeling, my throat still has that lump in it that just won’t go away and I still feel numb inside despite what front I have to put on when I’m out and about.
I want to see Peter one last time to tell him all of the things I never got round to saying – some good, some bad. I want to tell him I’m sorry for the life we once had together, I want to thank him for the good memories I have of us, I want to tell him I forgive him and he his loved. But most importantly I want to thank him for giving me the most kindest, intelligent, grown up, compassionate, considerate, caring, funny and beautiful litlle girl I’ve ever met – my precious daughter, Isabelle. Without her I would be nothing and my life would be seriously empty, she is my reason for living and carrying on, she is my reason I fight with myself everyday.
I do absolutely everything I possibly can to make sure she has everything she could ever need and want in her life as well as making sure she has the absolute best childhood ever.
Che still continues to support me and he somehow just knows when I’m not feeling quite right. I appreciate all of the things he does for me and his ever growing patience. I don’t know how he puts up with my shit most days but he does and he does it well. I can honestly say that Che has been my rock throughout all of this. He’s there when I need extra cuddles, he understands when I’m being extra needy, he makes sure I eat and drink properly, he’s put up with my rapidly changing moods during the day’s, he does the school runs when I can’t face the world or face talking to people or if I can’t put on a brave face. He has done so much for me just lately all without a single complaint. I truly am lucky to have him and I love our life that we have together, it might not be the most easiest or happiest of situations right now but I am glad we all have each other.