I’ve not posted for nearly a week and that’s mainly because I’ve been pretty busy. I have Isabelles birthday coming up and she’s having a sleepover on Saturday night for it, so we’ve been doing lots of preparing for that!
One of the main reasons for my lack of posts this week is finding out about Peters toxicology results. They came back clear which is a good thing. However, we believe things aren’t quite as straight forward as we first thought, obviously there’s things I can’t really talk about but it’s more added stress and pressure to find out just what exactly happend and why. I’ve also took on something else which Melinda is unable to do because her and Peter weren’t together long enough so it falls on me as we were still married when he died. I hate having to be so cryptic at the moment but I’m sure you can understand why I have to be when it comes to certain things to do with Peter.
After receiving that news, despite it being good, it still affected me and took me back down that road of grief again. I’ve allowed myself to feel what I needed to and to think what I needed to think and not feel guilty for it. I think about Peter at least once a day and I can be totally fine but other days I feel pain in my heart again and that awful feeling you feel in your belly, it’s like when you go over a humped bridge and you ‘lose your stomach’. Isabelle seems to be doing really well with her grief just lately which is a big relief, she’s her usual happy daft self. She has amazed me though all of this though, she’s always kept a smile on her face and has said some really grown up and mature things for her age. She does me so proud!
With it being Isabelles birthday next week, I’ve been feeling quite emotional about it because she’s growing up so fast. I love the little lady that she’s becoming but my god do I miss her baby years! No one ever told me that being a parent was this emotional. It’s weird this year because every year since Peter left us I always thought ‘Maybe this is the year he will send Isabelle a card and present’ but unfortunately he never did. This year that thought isn’t there except it’s replaced with an other wave of sadness, one I’ve not experienced before. Just when I think I’ve nailed this parenting thing, BOOM!!! A new emotion or a new situation arrives for us to deal with.
Late Wednesday afternoon I started to get the twinges of a gallbladder attack. I hoped it would only be minor and would ease off if I went for a walk and stretched abit but it didn’t. It got so much more worse as the evening came which turned into night. It was truly horrific and if I’m honest I’m damn sure I probably should’ve gone to the hospital because the pain was excruciating – nothing I was doing or taking for it was helping! My reasons for not going? Because there was no chance I was going to ruin Isabelles birthday weekend with me laid up in hospital potentially recovering from an operation, plus I couldn’t exactly drive myself there when I was in that amount of pain and calling an ambulance seemed ridiculous!
The last time I had an ultra sound on it, was towards the end of last year where they told me I had a collapsed gallbladder which sounded scary enough to be honest. This time around I’m sure it’s infected or something and it’s spread to other organs because the space between my gallbladder and my belly button felt odd and painful. My belly was really bloated and my lower back as well as the space on my back opposite where my gallbladder is (I hope I’ve explained that right) just felt different. This was such a scary attack and it’s left me pretty worried. I was meant to have it out last year but the operation got cancelled and I’ve not heard back since.
I often use a hot water bottle on my gallbladder to help with the pain and I ask Che to hit my back. I’m well aware at just how ridiculous that sounds but trust me when you’re in so much pain you will literally do anything to make it stop. Like I said earlier, nothing was helping. I went downstairs and crouched over the bath while firmly stroking from my chest down to my belly button which oddly enough started to give me some relief for a few seconds. I ended up going back upstairs and crouching over the bed doing the same thing until the pain became more bearable so I could get comfortable in bed to actually go to sleep because by this point I was bloody drained!! The attack had been going on for 6 hours. I woke up again around 2am in more pain but luckily it eased off and I managed to sleep again. The day after an attack is never great, I feel so achey and crap and all I want to do is rest and sleep to get back to normal again. I’m hoping I’ll be back on top form tomorrow.
I’ll end on a more positive note! This week I’ve been in contact with a magazine who have asked me to send in a piece about mental health and my plans on children’s mental health! It’s something I’m definitely going to do even though I’m nervous but excited about it, it’s an opportunity that I wish to take and one I thought would NEVER happen to me until maybe alot later on down the line.