I understand that this post might sound really self pittying and negative and I suppose it is abit but it’s been building up inside me for ages and I need SOMEWHERE to get it off my mind to try and move on and feel better.
I’ve been wondering for awhile what the bloody hell I’ve done so wrong to have gone through so much in under a year?! First it started at the end of October 2018 with my cancer scare because I bled non stop for around 6 weeks and no one knew why and they still don’t! I had all kinds of tests, scans, appointments, I even had an operation and yet I still don’t know why I bled for so long and what caused me to be so unwell with it. It’s now June and I’m still having to have various appointments and procedures to do with it.
A little while after my operation in January 2019 it was confirmed that no cancer was detected. As you can imagine I was seriously so happy and was glad to have been given a second chance so to speak at life.
29th January, literally a few days after I got the all clear, I got a call to say that Peter, my ex husband (though we wasn’t legally divorced at the time) had died. This really screwed me over and I cried for days, I just felt numb. I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did, I still don’t know even today. I have days where I feel ok and I think “Great, I’m finally starting to accept this and I can start to move on” but then other days my heart hurts so bad and Peter is all I can think about. I can be watching something on TV, hear a certain song, find old pictures/letters, hear a certain saying and there will be a subtle reminder of him and then I start thinking of him again and our relationship during the early days when it was good. There’s no denying that he was an absolute arsehole to me during alot of our marriage and he said and did some unthinkable things but after hearing about certain things in his life, things I didn’t even know about and learning just how bad his mental state got after he left us in 2014 I can understand why he turned to alcohol. I forgive him for alot of things he did because I now understand that, that just wasn’t really him! That’s not the person he wanted to be but he was failed so many times from various authorities and wouldn’t help himself at times. I know alot of people will call me a mug and all sorts of things for giving him my forgiveness but I personally think that says more about them than it does about me. I had known that man for almost 10 years, I knew him better than anyone else ever did or could! There’s lots to do with Peter’s case that I can’t talk about because the investigation is still on going but I will definitely keep digging and doing what I can to get answers. That is all I can really say at the moment.
So after the cancer scare and the death of Peter I thought “Ok, things will get better now for us and this year will be happier from now on” I was wrong! Because then this happend which has messed with my heart and my mind, Yes this is cryptic but it’s something I don’t think I can talk about for a long time or if ever. There’s only a handful of people who know and that’s how I intend it to stay for now.
I can’t help but think what did I do so wrong to deserve all of this?! I do everything I can to help others out, I listen when someone needs a friendly ear to talk too, I will give lifts when I can, anyone is welcome round to mine, my inbox is always open incase anyone needs me for whatever reason, I could be dog tired but if someone messages or calls me needing to talk I will stay up longer to make sure they’re ok. I’m a good person yet I get saddled with so much shit! I’m sick of seeing others who are awful to everyone, who couldn’t give a shit about anyone except themselves but they always land on their feet living the good life with no shit thrown their way..!! How on earth is that even fair?! Does anyone else experience this or is it really just me? I’m just fed up and drained from fighting with life just lately. I just want this to stop and for things to go good again. I just want a break from sadness, stress, heartache and worry.