10 Years

Today is the 10 year anniversary of mine and my ex husband, Peter, wedding anniversary. 6th June 2009 – our wedding day. Since we had split up and never got divorced I always felt abit weird and off this time of year because I think back to our wedding day and everything leading up to it and everything leading up to how I met Peter. This year it’s different and I’m unsure why I’ve felt the way I have done over the last few days – especially today.

Our wedding was nothing fancy or special, it was a quick wedding, I didn’t even have a dress! I wore a white blouse with a black skirt and a red belt in the middle with white shoes. Peter wore his Army twos (the smart wear). We didn’t have a cake, flowers, proper reception, it honestly wasn’t anything special. We wasn’t even going to have any guests only witnesses and that was it but I had told my family and some of them decided to come which was nice of them. We had the service in the church across the road from the barracks and then headed to a local pub for a meal and drinks afterwards.

Because we had a small non fancy wedding, we had talked about doing something fancy and special for our 10th wedding anniversary. We would’ve re newed our vows and had a proper wedding with all the trimmings and all the guests. Obviously it never happend and he’s now dead which means, even though I’m in a long term relationship, I’m now a widow. That feels so weird even just writing that let alone saying it out loud! As I’ve said before I knew Peter for nearly 10 years before he died, that’s a long time to know someone. I knew him better than anyone else ever did or could, even though we had split up he was always in my life one way or another whether I liked it or not!

I’ve been looking around to see if there are any support groups which deal with my situation but there isn’t. There’s grief support groups every where and they’re easily accessible but how can I go to one of those standard groups and say that ” Hi, I’m grieving for my ex husband, the biological father of my daughter, he was an alcoholic and abusive but I now understand why he was the way he was, I’m friends with his girlfriend and they had a baby together oh and I’ve got a long term partner” without feeling judged or having anyone fully understand what I’m feeling or going through?! I’ve not met anyone yet whose been in the same or similar situation as me. So because of this I’m thinking about starting my own online support group purly for those in or have gone through the same thing because I can’t be the only person in the world to be in this situation.

I appreciate the support I get from my friends and family but none of them could ever truly understand and there’s things I can’t really say to certain people without the worry of offending or hurting them even though that’s not my intention of doing, things can very easily be misunderstood.

Despite our history and the way things were between us a part of me was always going to love him (And I still do), no matter how much I tried to deny it to myself and others. I built up a life with Peter and we were really happy at one point. We created Isabelle – she is the best thing to have come from our marriage and she is my absolute life!! I’m lucky because Che understands about that time in my life and the history between me and Peter. Actually, they both got on fairly well when we started having Peter over for dinner a few years ago so he could maintain and build a bigger bond with Isabelle. They were quite similar in the sense that they’re both big gamers. I think if Peter had really sorted himself out and stuck around down here I can imagine him and Che would’ve been really good friends.

Where ever Peter is now I hope he’s at peace and his mind is finally at rest and I hope he can now be the person he’s always wanted to be. I hope he is happy being himself.

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