I can not begin to tell you how much Fibromyalgia has changed my life. I used to be so active with not a care in the world. Two of my DREAM jobs were holiday repping and being a holiday park entertainer (the same as a Butlins Red coat or a Pontins Blue coat) both of which required loads of energy and usually not enough sleep (through my own choice!).
When I was a holiday rep in Bulgaria in particular, I would get up at 7.30am get showered, dressed and get breakfast and start my duties at 9.30am until 11.30am. I would do admin work until 12.30pm in my hotel room which I lived in then I’d get changed and go out for lunch, I’d either go on my own or I’d meet up with other reps/friends I’d made in the resort. Afterwards I’d either head back to my hotel room for an afternoon siesta/chill out time/go to the beach/walk around the resort until 5pm where I would get ready for my evening duties which started at 5.30pm until I finished for the day at 7.30pm. Once I’d finished my duties I’d go back to my room get changed and get ready for the evening/night ahead of me 😉😍 I’d go to my usual place for dinner and hang out with other reps/friends/bar staff all drinking of course until midnight where we would all go to the nearest club until around 5.30am even though I knew I had to be up for work at 7.30am! I don’t know how I managed a full season doing that most nights, except for airport days as they were different. Working on holiday parks had similar hours except we had to provide the evening entertainment and if it was my turn to do the late night disco I could be working until 2am during peak season. The evenings always were my favourite because I just LOVED being on stage, making people laugh, dancing, acting daft and just having a bloody good time with everyone! We did have a few nights out but because of where most holiday parks are located the local town is usually a little too far away to walk so a lot of the time we would have chalet/caravan parties with the other park staff until the small hours sometimes. I miss that energy, the fun, the drive, the motivation, the enthusiasm I had for life, the happiness I felt, the confidence, no social anxiety, never being in pain or feeling unwell.
I miss it all so much (NOT the hangovers!) I wish more than anything I could be that person again, the person who didn’t know what Fibromyalgia was let alone have it!
I would LOVE to be back on stage again, not necessarily as a holiday park entertainer but to perform in shows or something. Performing and TV work has always been my dream since I was a child, it hurts to think that my dream was very short lived and I’ll never have the chance to do it again. I have thought about joining a theatre group but I feel that they wouldn’t want me joining them because I can’t control when I will have a flair up, I can go weeks without one sometimes. I feel like my body wouldn’t be able to cope with the dancing and rehearsals and then there’s the fear of not having the right look or body for it and of course what if I’m not good enough anymore and I end up making a complete idiot of myself?!
For years I had known something was wrong with me but I never got a diagnoses until early 2016.
It was a relief to finally have a name for what I felt on a daily basis but it was also a kick in the teeth because Iknew just how bad it can get.
Che and Isabelle are a huge support for me and they both understand that I can’t do as much as other people can.
However, that doesn’t stop me feeling guilty, useless, a burden, an embarrassment and feeling mum guilt. There’s SO much I wish I could do with Isabelle that I see other parents do with their children and it makes me sad. There are days where I push myself over the limit to be that perfect mum but then I really pay for it the next day or two afterwards.
I get angry when I see other parents, who I know are healthy, not bother with their children, who never take them anywhere, who always put them last, who don’t play with them but just stick them in front of a screen ALL day!! Just makes me angry because those parents have no idea just how LUCKY they really are!
The other day I was eating my dinner and went to move my plate which was a quarter full. Instead of being able to grip it properly my left hand decided not to grip it and my wrist had given out. The rest of my dinner went everywhere all over the floor and on me. This has never happend before until then. My hand, wrist and arm ached for hours afterwards and there wasn’t much I could do about it because it was so sudden, I had no warning signs – nothing!
Che cleaned me and the floor up while I cried with frustration, anger, shock and embarrassment because I felt like a baby and that this isn’t the life Che or Isabelle should have to put up with, I felt they deserved better.
A day or two later my period arrived, so now I’m wondering if the hormone changes had something to do with what had happend. Next month I will take things more easy and rest more often on the days leading up to it.
That is just one of the parts of Fibromyalgia you don’t see. Most people who see me out see me looking ok, sometimes smiling if my resting bitch face is having a day off. A lot of people call us ‘couple goals’ and think we have the perfect life but they don’t see the hard times we go through with my Fibromyalgia which effects all of my body in so many different ways.
It’s easy to think that I have nothing wrong with me and I’m just the same as every other normal healthy person but I’m not like everyone else I will have Fibromyalgia forever.