After a long few months of built up emotions, feelings and god knows what else, I finally cried over Peter again last night.
I had come to bed around 9pm as I was so tired because I’ve been having an on going fibro flair for almost a week now, I just wanted to get into bed and rest. Belle was in bed, Che was in his office/man cave watching a film and I was in bed in the dark listening to music. All the thoughts and feelings about Peter that I’ve been avoiding for so long were creeping up and as I was listening to a particular song I broke down crying. It wasn’t silent tears this time it was full on sobs and not being able to breathe properly through crying so much. This was something that has been a long time coming and desperately needed.
Che heard me crying and he stopped his film so he could comfort me – Something which he is very good at. As he held me I told him what was wrong and how I felt about Peter. The guilt that I will forever carry, the questions, the things I needed to tell him, worrying incase he died thinking the worst of me or that I hated him, wishing I done more for him, the never knowing if how he died was an accident or if he intended to do it, not being able to see him one last time and say goodbye properly to him. There was so much going through my mind, that whats written here is only a small percentage of what I was thinking and how I felt; there is so much more.
One of the things I regret the most was not e-mailing him when I had a gut feeling to do so but for some strange reason I ignored it so I didn’t bother. I really really wish I had now because I some how felt that he needed my support in some way or he just needed someone he could talk to who really knew him as well as I did. Maybe if I hadn’t ignored my gut feeling then maybe he would still be alive now causing havoc and creating drama in everyone’s lives.
What I’m about to write next will probably raise some eyebrows and I know people will think I’m pathetic and stupid. I know people will think I’m being super disrespectful to Che but: 1) I no longer care what others think of this situation anymore. 2) Che knows what I mean and he completely understands my thoughts and feelings why I feel this way…
I wish I could lay with Peter one last time to give him a hug and tell him I’m sorry and I forgive him for everything he ever put me through because I understand now why he did it and his state of mind. I know better than anyone else just how difficult living with a mental illness is and how it can really change who you are if you don’t have it under control or if you’re not on the correct medication for it as well as not receiving support whether it be from friends, family or professional support. It is seriously hard work fighting with yourself every day.
Just lately I’ve noticed that Belle is similar to Peter in some ways. One example was the other day; We took her to buy a new scooter and obviously she had to give it a test ride so we took her along the sea front where the path was long and even. She began to get annoyed and despite us trying to help her she was too stubborn to listen and carried on doing things her way because she was determined to prove us wrong of course! Peter was very stubborn and had alot of determination. I took pictures of Belle on her scooter and as I looked back through them I had a ‘wow’ moment. She was pulling a face that Peter used to pull alot! She looks SO much like him in that picture it’s bloody weird!!
Yesterday was an emotional day because we had been to the hospital the day before for Che to have an operation which never actually went ahead – Thank God! Because if it had gone ahead he wouldn’t be here today, however, that’s a different story for an other time maybe. It was also emotional for me because I had received a beautiful message from my eldest niece offering her love and support to all of us. It brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat because her words really did touch my heart. I am so proud of my sister and brother in law for how they are bringing up my nieces. They are such kind, caring, compassionate, supportive and beautiful young ladies. I am so proud of them all.
In the evening Melinda and I were chatting about the girls and Peter amongst other random things we often talk about. During our chat she said something about Belle, Che and I as a family which genuinly left me speechless and I didn’t know what to say other than Thank You. It was such a personal and touching moment between us it had made me cry a few tears because I was so touched and taken back by what she had said.
After my night of crying I do feel a little better for it. When I went up to bed my legs were giving me hell they hurt so much but the aches and pains disappeared after I had been crying for awhile. So maybe the tiredness and the aches and pains have been to do with my grief and because it has caused stress on my body it has triggered a long fibro flair up. I’m hoping now I’ve released some of that built up emotion that maybe my fibro will improve and I can start to feel a little better. I dont think that is the last of my crying for Peter but it’s a good start and I now know that once I start it will stop even if it is after a few hours of it.