I seem to have lost my blogging mojo just lately and I’m really not sure why. My heart just hasn’t been in it, even writing this I feel abit meh and not really bothered. However, I’m hoping that by writing things down I might feel abit better and the love I have for writing and blogging returns properly again.

Thursday evening was busy. Che was streaming, Isabelle was upstairs settling down for the night and I was downstairs filling out forms and sorting out paper work I had been putting off for months. One of the forms was to do with Peter and it probably should’ve been sent months ago, however, there was no time limit for it luckily!

An other form was to apply for Isabelle’s membership to a childrens charity called ‘Scotty’s Little Soldier’s’. The charity is to support bereaved service children. They offer bereavement counselling which is something I’ve struggled to find for Isabelle, so this has been my main reason for applying for the membership. They also offer days out, toys, vouchers and they send things when its birthdays and anniversaries – such a lovely thing for them to do!

While I was sorting out the forms and paperwork, Isabelle came downstairs in tears. I asked her what’s wrong and she told me she misses Peter and she can’t stop thinking about him. I knew exactly how she was feeling. We had a cuddle on the sofa and I let her chat freely about Peter to me. She then started telling me the different things she often thinks about when it comes to how Peter died and she started asking some really heart breaking questions. I really sympathized with her because I would think about the same things and have the same questions as she does. I could only tell her what I know but obviously in a way she would understand and not too brutally because she’s still only 9 years old. She’s starting to ask about mine and Peters relationship which is difficult to explain to her because alot of it isn’t the nicest, some of which she knows about and some she doesn’t know about and is best left until she’s alot older. One of the things she said to me was ‘I’m glad you didn’t keep it a secret from me about Peter dying because imagine if we went to Scotland one day and I ask to go and see Peter, you would say that there would be abit of a problem and then you would have to tell me then.’ I was honest with her and said I was so unsure about telling her but because I’ve never lied or kept anything from her in the past, I wasn’t going to start doing that now and she had every right to know because regardless of our relationship, he was her biological dad.

I hate when she cries and gets upset over Peter but at the same time I’m proud of her and pleased she is feeling able to cry and talk about him and say how she’s really feeling. It’s definitely a positive step in the right direction and I’m honestly so proud of her at how she’s dealing with her grief and everything that comes with it.

It’s hard as a parent to support a grieving child when you’re still trying to grieve yourself, something I need to start doing myself because to be honest alot of my issues lately are because I can’t and don’t know how to grieve! There are things everyday that reminds me of Peter whether it be something someone says, a song, a smell or something on TV – I’m always being reminded of him and what happend. I know I need to deal with it and start grieving properly but it’s incredibly difficult to do that when I don’t often get a minute to myself to actually think and process my thoughts, I’m always doing something else. I worry sometimes in case people are bored of hearing about it or they don’t know what to say to me. I don’t expect anyone to understand because it is a complex situation and it’s not as straight forward as most but I suppose all I want and need is for people to just listen, be supportive and maybe give hugs.

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