What a weird day today has been. I had to go to a town around 30 minutes from where I live to pick up a present for Che. I don’t often drive alone but I had to today obviously. Anyway, on the way to pick up the present I felt like I wasn’t alone in the car. I started thinking of Peter and thought maybe it’s him with me. At points I could hear his voice talking to me and taking the piss out of my singing and my driving but then following it up with a compliment of some sort.
On the way back I had a car behind me going the same way until I was nearly home. There was a man and an older lady in the car behind me, the man was the spitting image of Peter. Every chance I got I couldn’t stop looking at him!! We stopped at a few sets of traffic lights and I kept staring at him through the rear view mirror, at one point I was convinced it was him. I felt like getting him to pull over so I could talk to him, hug and ask him everything I needed to know. I wanted to tell him that he could come and live with us and we will help him get better, we will give him the life he’s always wanted and deserved. I wanted to tell him that we would help him find a place for him, Melinda and their girl’s to all live together in. I had so many thoughts racing through my mind, I couldn’t stop crying – my heart felt like it was breaking all over again.
The poor man in the car must’ve thought I was nuts or something because I was looking at him so much whilst crying. When he turned to go the opposite way to me I felt sad and wished him to come back, it was such a weird feeling. I had to pull over because I was crying so much there was no way I could go home in that state. I didn’t want Belle to see me like that today, especially since she’s had such a brilliant time this weekend, I didn’t want her to worry about me or bring her mood down. I must’ve sat in the car for s good 20 minutes trying to stop crying and get myself together but it was difficult. I finally got myself home and parked outside except I didn’t go inside straight away. I looked at the outside of where I lived and I started crying again because it holds so many memories of Peter as he used to live here with me and Belle when we were still together. He even used to come round to see Belle when Che was here and have dinner with us sometimes.
I managed to pull myself together and go indoors after 15 minutes or so. I’ve not felt myself since that car journey today, I’ve been emotional, drained, haven’t eaten properly and I’ve not stopped thinking about the car journey and Peter and some of the memories I have of him. I do believe that what happend today was his way of visiting me and somehow offering his comfort to me.
It’s definitely true that grief really can hit you hard and it has no warning, it does literally come out of the blue.