December has been an AMAZING month. There has been so much good and kindness surrounding us as a family that’s it’s actually been quite overwhelming. I think it’s fair to say that we all deserve it after experiencing one of the worst years of our lives. My mind set has changed alot and I’ve started thinking more positively which I think has helped with having a better month, so it’s something I’m definitely going to keep up with in the new year. 2020 is going to be the start of not only an amazing year but the start of an amazing decade for all of us.
I feel that because things have been more positive it has allowed me, personally, to start the grieving process properly. I cry when I feel I need to and I think about Peter when the thought is there without feeling guilty. The thoughts, flashbacks and the memories aren’t always the nicest or the best but I’ve realised I NEED to deal and come to terms with those before I can appreciate the better thoughts, flashbacks and memories and start to move on with my life. Not forgetting Peter but moving on and learning to live with my past without guilt, regret and the thoughts of ‘what if?’ I know it will take awhile to get to where I want to be but at least I know what I have to do to get there now.
Isabelle has started to grieve for Peter properly too. As bad as it sounds, I am so glad and relieved she’s finally crying, she’s finally talking and she’s finally asking questions – they might not be the easiest questions to answer but she deserves to know the answers (within reason of course and until she’s old enough to understand properly). She has held so much in which has chipped away at her confidence amongst other things she’s experienced this year (Bullying which has been dealt with but no thanks to her school!). We have joined a charity called Scottys little soldier’s who help and support bereaved service children. We have only been with them a short time, however, the things they do for the children are amazing – I can’t even explain!! Isabelle was watching the celeb version of ‘The Hit List’ with me this afternoon, the celebs were playing for their chosen charities. Isabelle turned round and said to me ‘If I ever go on that show, the charity I would play for would definitely be Scottys little soldier’s’ what a beautiful thing for a 9 year old who has been through so much, to say. She has kept her compassion, kindness and love for others throughout a difficult time in her young life. She amazes me and I wish I could be more like her.
My sassy, confident and fearless little lady is slowly starting to come back but much more stronger and much more confident than she ever was before. She is going to go so far in life, I honestly couldn’t be anymore proud of her.