Wednesday 29th January 2020
This year has been one of the toughest years any of us have had to face. The day you died was the day our lives changed forever.
Every Christmas and every birthday, I would always think ‘Is this going to be the year he shows up for Isabelle?’ That thought can no longer exist anymore because it is impossible for that to ever happen now.
Your death has taught me alot about life and about myself. You will be pleased to know that I no longer tolerate anyone’s bullshit regardless of who they are. That part of me has gone, the filter has slipped and in place is someone who just doesn’t care so much about other people’s thoughts or opinions of me, my parenting or how I live my life in general anymore.
When we were together we had some pretty horrific times, you did things I now know you are ashamed of and deeply regret but I forgive you. Of course, I can’t forget the bad times because you really did put me through absolute hell. I suppose for some of it there is no excusing what you did but most of it I can understand why you was the way you were sometimes and why you chose to drink so bloody much. Your drinking was your absolute downfall, it was the monster that made you act out and steal who you really were and desperately wanted to be.
You had a bad habit of ruining all the good things in your life because you just couldn’t understand why on earth anyone could love you for you but I loved you more than you could ever possibly understand and there’s a part of me that always has and always will despite our past and current relationships. You are the biological father of Isabelle so the connection was always going to be there whether we liked it or not.
I loved your mind because you were so intelligent and I could’ve listened to you for hours, you had such a smart mind but very little confidence in yourself which was always so hard to see. I think your mind was probably one of my favourite things about you. You liked to read but you didn’t get to do it often because life got in the way, yet you always looked so happy and at peace when it was just you and a book.
Today has been a really hard day. I’ve thought about everything leading up to your death and the unknown chats I had with Melinda which you had no idea about and probably would’ve hated at the time but would love now. I still regret not making contact with you literally a week or so before you died because I had a gut feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on and I stupidly ignored it. It’s something I won’t and can’t ever forgive myself for. Maybe I could’ve said something to stop you from acting the way you was? Maybe you wouldn’t have been in the situation you was and you would still be here now hopefully sorting your life out and actually making a proper go of things with Melinda?
I never believed I’d ever miss you the way I have done this past year, it’s a feeling I can’t even describe because our situation wasn’t ever straight forward. I think about you every day. Sometimes it’s all day, other times it’s every so often in the day. Living in the same place that you once lived in with Isabelle and I is difficult sometimes because of the memories. Some good, some bad. Che and I feel your presence around us alot of the time and know that you’re still around and always looking after Isabelle.
I hope wherever you are now, that you’re happy and the demons have left you alone. I hope you’re finally back to being the person you’ve always wanted to be, the one I first met all them years ago! The funny, confident, happy, smiling and super extra Scottish man (even though I thought you were a Geordie at first and you got super offended! Haha!) that I met in the bar on the army barracks. The person I quit my job, my friends, my life for and moved to be closer to you. I got a job working in the shop and bar on your army barracks so I got to see you every day. We didn’t get together until awhile later and when I was drunk and threw up on your new boots!! The early days of us are my favourite memories of our life together.
You were a big part of my life for 10 years whether I liked it or not and you’re someone I won’t ever forget, I literally can’t because you helped create our daughter, Isabelle. I will forever be thankful to you for her, she is such an amazing, special, intelligent and beautiful little lady. She has so many lovely qualities about her and not a bad bone in her body, you would be proud of the little lady she’s fast becoming. As she’s got older she’s started to look alot like you and pulls alot of the faces and looks you used too. She is going to grow up and do something so brilliant with her life, the signs are already there and she’s only 9!
I just want you to know that I am sorry for all of my bad parts and for every thing I put you through. I forgive you for the bad times and I’m thankful for the good times with you. I channel alot of my grief for you through music because I don’t know any other way to let it out sometimes. There’s so many songs that make me think of you, of us, our relationship and our lives in general, I never realised until just lately. Always remember you really were loved and still are to this day and forever more. You are never far from my thoughts and I hope you’re proud of how Che and I are bringing up Isabelle together. I hope you’re proud of the person I’ve become too. You go and be with your mum and dad now and please keep looking after all of us especially Isabelle, Charlie and Melcsi. Please stay at peace. X X X