For two days I’ve felt empty, sad, tearful and just meh. I couldn’t work out what on earth has caused this mood and even worse, I couldn’t seem to get myself out of this mood which I hate with a passion!
Today, I was blankly watching something on TV not really paying much attention to what was going on that I suddenly realised just how much of my life has been robbed by having depression, anxiety and PTSD – All mental health issues. My parenting in particular flagged up in my mind of how much of it has been robbed.
Today, I’ve felt like I’ve not done enough with my daughter during this pandemic, even though most of the time it has been almost impossible to do a lot with so many restrictions and places not being open. For whatever reason I’ve felt I’ve really missed out on a lot of things with my daughter, it’s things not even worth mentioning because they are so trivial, they’re not even milestones!!
There’s been times in the past where my depression has really kicked in and Che has had to parent not just our daughter but me too. My brain seems to go into shutdown and it actually makes me think I’m useless at literally everything and I feel like giving up on every aspect of my life and anything that I’ve been working on.
Parenting seems to be the one it picks on the most. When the depression is bad, my brain loves nothing more than to tell me how awful I am as a parent and how my daughter deserves a much better mum than me. One who doesn’t have mental health and physical health issues. One that does literally everything with her every spare minute of the day, everyday. Baking, art, walks out, film afternoons… you get the idea. My brain loves to compare me to the ‘social media mums’ the ones who do all that and post about it 10 times a day, everyday.
Then I remember that their kids probably didn’t even make the cookies they’re posing with in the picture! The reality is more like that the mum has done the majority of the work and then called the child over for an Instagram perfect picture and then off they go back on their devices or playing on their toys.
Same for the walks out, I’m reminded that the kids were probably grumpy to be going out in the cold and were probably bribed to go with ‘If you come out on a walk with me, you can have some Vbucks/Robux/Stay up later when we get home’ and of course the same bribe for the Insta perfect picture.
It’s difficult to not listen to the negative side of my brain sometimes because it can be very convincing and loud no matter what the rational side says or thinks!
Sometimes I just have to ride these thoughts out and let my brain have it’s little ‘strop’ because deep down I know nothing of what the negative side says is true. It has taken me years to be able to do this and recognise when my brain is being a little bitch. I do have a lot to thank Che for though as he always looks after me, has patience and comforts me when I need it and has never once complained.
New day tomorrow and a new week starts on Monday, all of which I hope is a more positive day and a more positive week.