The wave of grief

I’m not going to sugar coat this but this coming week is going to be a difficult one.
Tomorrow is two years since Peter’s cremation and then Friday is his birthday where he would’ve been 38.

Thursday, I received two boxes of Peter’s things, I knew they were coming and I felt OK with it. When they arrived and I opened them I felt like I had been punched in the gut multiple times. Most of it was his Army course work, yet, a million memories came flooding back… the times he would be away all week and then only home at weekends, the tears every Sunday afternoon when he had to go back on his courses for the week, the hot chocolate nights, the onion and mushroom sandwiches he would make on a Saturday morning, just to name a few.

Amongst some personal items in one of the boxes were the divorce papers he swore blind he had never received…

I miss him deeply, my heart hurts and I have so many regrets.
About a week before Peter died I had a feeling I should message him, usually I’d do it and we would exchange emails for awhile, sometimes they would be shitty other times they would pleasant and a little glimpse of the old Peter would shine through again. This time I went against my gut feeling to message him and ever since his death, I’ve seriously regretted it. I feel like there could’ve been something I could’ve said to change the events of what was about to happen.

I thought It would be a lot easier by now when the anniversaries come around but it hasn’t, it hurts so much. I wish I could wake up one day and not have any memory of what happend because the waves of grief I experience are so overwhelming sometimes. The feeling is similar to when I found out what had happened to him. The feeling in your chest and throat, the feeling of not being able to breathe and the stomach lurching feeling which makes you feel constantly sick. Anyone who has experienced loss of some sort will understand that feeling.

I feel guilty for feeling how I do sometimes incase Will reads in to it too much and comes up with something very different, or incase he starts to compare himself to Peter, or he thinks I don’t love him as much. Will knows all of this and has reassured me that this isn’t the case at all and he understands. He just wants me to let myself feel what I need to and to deal with the emotions my way and not worry about him.

This week is going to be difficult but I think with patience (with myself), love and letting myself feel what I need too, I think I’ll be OK.

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