W H E R E H A V E Y O U G O N E ?
As most people know I don’t tend to sleep very well and I have great difficulty most nights getting to sleep.
The last couple of weeks have been no different except that something else now keeps we awake at night, something which is quite very sad.
My self esteem.
Yes, I know that sounds really really odd but when I think back to the person I once was and how confident and fairly sure of myself I once was, it makes me sad. I don’t know how to bring that part of me back or what to do to even start the process to being who I really want to be.
I miss the old me, the one where I would openly talk so freely without fear, worry and anxiety that I will say the wrong thing or I will get ridiculed. I miss how I used to have the confidence and courage to build myself up and try new things, again without fear, worry and anxiety that I would fail and that I would succeed instead. I miss getting excited over the things I used to love and have so much passion for. I miss having the over bearing drive, motivation and confidence to follow my dreams or to do the things I really want to do so badly.
I miss being able to go out and meet friends for a simple coffee date without crippling anxiety kicking my arse, however, that is a fairly new thing to have happend. I seem to have developed a mild form of social anxiety!
I feel that it’s mainly because of how badly so called friends have treated me over the last 2 and half years or so, those who I have been there for continuously and went out of my way to support them when things were hard for them, I did a lot for them. I was there when they had no one else, when their string of relationships failed and when they had no one else to turn too. I know I’m a good friend and these so called friends knew that too which is why they took the piss so much and so the friendships eventually became one sided.
It was me always messaging them first, it was me arranging days/nights out, it was me suggesting different fun things we could all do together only for them to say they couldn’t make it because they’re busy or they’re skint (fair enough) but then they post on their social media accounts about being out doing something similar with other people, it was me suggesting days we should all meet up, it was me arranging holidays and stressing that everyone had a good time just for them to say they can’t go but then go away with others. My eyes finally opened and I stopped contact just to see if they would message me first but they didn’t. A few days turned into a week, a week turned into a month and a month turned into a few months and so on. One sided friendships are not my thing, I’m all for give and take in equal measures. I wouldn’t use someone just for my gain or if I had no one else around until someone better came along.
I’m a decent, honest and loyal friend who doesn’t lie and those so called friends never deserved my friendship in the first place and they’re now the ones who are missing out, I know it and they know it but I will not be used or treated like that ever again by anyone
While I’m like this it is very difficult to concentrate and find the motivation to carry out the different types of work I have to and need to do as well as make myself and my brand become known to help as many people as I possibly can. Most days I feel like I should give up writing/blogging/posting because I feel it’s all pointless and I wonder:
“What if I’m not actually helping anyone?”
“What if I’m doing more harm than good?”
“There are better accounts out there than me that do so much good that are where I want to be”
“Maybe I’m going about this all the wrong way!”
“Am I just boring? Am I too depressing?”
“Maybe people just aren’t interested enough!”
I feel like that break I want and need SO badly won’t ever come because I fear my social anxiety will hold me back from future events and networking.
The sad fact of it all is that I feel like I’ve become stuck in ‘mum mode’ and I don’t know how to change my settings once in a while.
I feel sad for the loss of the person I once was and I want her to return sooner rather than later.